CHARLESTON, WV – Over twenty churches across the Bible Belt came forward last week to condemn a new threat to American Christian values: “soulless” Euro games.
European-style board games, commonly shortened to “Euros”, are a group of complex modern games which have gained popularity over the last several years. Knocked by critics as being bland, Euros often feature resource management and subsistence farming.
In a statement issued on January 9, the coalition warns against what are being referred to as “the Devil in beige”. Christians Against Sinful Undertakings and Leisure (CASUAL) argues that these games are the work of dark forces.
“We have long stood against sinful pastimes,” reads the statement. “Sex, drugs, and rock and roll have been influencing our children for decades. These games are no different.”
Bobby Virtue is a pastor at West Charleston New Saviour. He explains his church’s opposition to the activity, which he calls “unnatural,” as an act of self-defence.
“These aren’t even games,” says Virtue. “A bunch of people sit around and stare at a spreadsheet. It’s not right. You know what has the power to hypnotize a person like that?” Virtue points down. “The Devil. We have to protect our children against these forces. Kids should be riding ATVs and drinking in the bush. Not this.”
In their official statement, CASUAL makes a different argument.
“Many of these so-called games ask people to build churches. The only reason a man should build a church is out of glory to God — not because a handful of cubes told him to. That’s an alter, a false idol, and a sin. Every ‘victory point’ is another victory for Lucifer.”
Holding a copy of what he calls “good old fashioned Monopoly,” Virtue shakes his head.
“Dangerous ideas, they always come from Europe. Beatlemania, casual nudity, and now this. When yodelling gets here, I swear to you, I’m gonna build a wall across the ocean.”