Pittsburgh, PA—Riding an almost impossible to find track record, Ill-Conceived Games announced upcoming releases at a press conference Tuesday afternoon.
Eyebrows raised across the room as President, CEO, and avid Photoshopper David Rivative revealed the flagship release, X-Wingspan. In this ambitious title, intergalactic avian strike force squadrons battle for space supremacy across inhospitable habitats in an egg-laying engine-builder blaster game. Rivative said, “This one’s all about the artwork. Each of the 314 cards looks like a real fighter craft. You won’t see half of them in play, but trust me—you’ll feel like you’re in space!”
When asked how he pulled off what must have been a massive trademark and royalties deal, Rivative added, “Say again?”
Next up, colorless mutant monster dexterity game, King of Tokyo Highway. Rivative explained, “We were contemplating our inner monsters when lightning struck. And we thought, the safest place to be during a lightning storm is a car. Or is it? It all happened so fast.” Facing questions about the decision to keep all the game pieces one color, including the monsters and dice, Rivative added, “We enjoyed the prototype so much, it seemed best to get out the spray paint and let it ride.”
The most ambitious title was Arkham Nova, a cooperative living-dead zoological economic nightmare card game. Rivative beamed over the possibilities. “We believe zombie ghoul red pandas hunting children and their unwitting families will really tickle the fans,” he said. “Scores will rarely get out of the negative, and families are going to have to buy a lot of boxes to stay in the loop.”
Rounding out the conference was the highly anticipated Paladins of the West Bunny Kingdom. “Holy bunny monks!” Rivative shouted. “That’s what we said. Holy. Bunny. Monks. Everybody loves fluff, so we just knew it would be a hit. A knight here, a noble there, and let’s not forget the 100-square grid. We’re talking multiplication like you’ve not seen since the third grade! Simply invigorating.”
Look for these questionable titles in your friendly local game store next quarter.